Tuesday, December 16, 2008

W: The Bush Memoirs

Keith Olbermann was on my Tee Vee earlier this evening and talking about the George W. Bush Memoirs. That’s not really surprising since every public figure these days wants a book deal (I’m looking at you, Joe the Plumber).

I suppose every former president gets to write his or (hopefully someday) her memoir. In all fairness, I guess the Decider in Chump gets to write his, too. For what it’s worth, W. will also get his very own (scandal plague) presidential library at SMU (college football fans should know all about the recruiting violations there).

That got me wondering what the Bush Memoirs would look like. Since A Little R&R is read by helpful and intelligent people, I though we could help Our Fearless Leader with a rough outline.

Admittedly, this is hardly an exhaustive list. I did most of the list from memory. Please use the comments for your proposals.


“My Favorite Dick:” I would like to thank my Vice President for maintaining approval ratings consistently lower than mine to make me look good in comparison. You really saved my butt from impeachment. Don’t worry about shooting that guy in the face, buddy. He should never have been standing in front of you gun. I had the FBI say so. Wink, Wink.

Chapter I: The early years

Yeah! Daddy went from being a CIA spook to vice president to president. Gee, I hope I get to be president and not that poopie head, Jeb.

Chapter II: (Y)Ale Days

I’m so glad I got into Yale instead of Berkley. Damn dirty California Hippies. I’ll get them subversives some day. Now pass the whiskey and blow.

Chapter III: No, really I’m from Texas!

Wanna see my ranch? Now, let me be governor. Ann Richards sux and my dad is Vice President. Besides, Jeb got to be governor of Florida. I wanna be governor, too.

Chapter IV: Texas governor

Yippe! Now, let’s execute us some people and establish Jesus Day.

Editor’s note: During the Bush Administration, Texas executed 152 people and established June 10, 2000 as Jesus Day. No word on whether an execution took place that day.

Chapter V: “Winning” another election

So me, Dick, and Turd Blossom won another election without even getting the most votes. I’ll even let Dick pick my running mate. I’m sure he’ll pick us a winner. Hey, we won by a vote of 5-4. I have to put those fellows in the black robes on the Christmas card list.

Chapter VI: Raiding the Treasury

Hey, that Clinton guy stole all the W keys in the White House, but left a huge budget surplus thingy. Hey, Dick, I have an idea. Let’s give our rich buddies a huge tax cut and everyone else a $300 check. We’ll call it an economic stimulus package. (Huh Huh, I said stimulus. Didcha hear that? I said stimulus.) Nobody will argue with that.

Chapter VII: Aug. 6, 2001

Bin Laden? Yeah, those Clinton hippies mentioned something about that. F**k it. I’m going on vacation.

Chapter VIII: Sept. 11, 2001: 8 a.m.

I don’t know. I didn’t do so good in English in college. Maybe Laura should read to the kids.

Chapter IX: Sept. 11, 2001: 9:15 a.m.

Wadda ya mean were under attack? Take me to Nebraska.

Chapter X: The terror continues

Anthrax? Wasn’t that an 80s metal/rap band?

Chapter XI: The Patriot Act: Maybe Nixon was on to something

I told you I would get those dirty hippies! This thing applies to Muslims? Bonus. I want to thank my staff for working on the draft of this legislation since the inaugural ball. (Just kidding…or am I?) Put ‘em in Cuba? Great idea. What? Water Boarding? Sounds good to me.

Chapter XII: Afghanistan

We’ll let NATO handle it. I have bigger fish to fry, namely…

Chapter XIII: Iraq

WMD! WMD! WMD! OMG! WMD! Psst: Don’t tell no one, but I think Saddam had something to do with 9/11. WMD! WMD! WMD! Democracy in the Middle East. WMD! WMD! WMD!

Chapter XIV: BaghDAD

I did what dad could never do. Take that, Jeb. I’m Daddy’s favorite now.

Chapter XV: Mission Accomplished:

“Fool me once, shame on you. Can’t get fooled again.” Abu what now? Well ain’t that something? She’s got the dude on a leash. I don’t see any problems here.

Chapter XVI: Plamegate

Who’s this asshat saying we “lied” about the “evidence.” His wife works at the CIA? Get Judith Miller on the phone. Ummm… let Scooter take the fall on this one. What a stupid nickname anyway.

Chapter XVII: Daily Kos flourishes

Markos Moulitsas Zúñiga? That’s a dumber name than “Scooter.”

Chapter XVIII: Election 2004

What if the public starts thinking that the WMD weren’t really there? What if the insurgency doesn’t die down? I know, we’ll call them unpatriotic for voting for the Dumbocrats. Great idea, Turdblossom. Oh, thank god. They nominated Kerry instead of Dean. That “50 state strategery” will never work. Oh wow. Look Laura. Those fellows on Saturday Night Live are making fun of me. They’re so funny.

Chapter XIV: Katrina

What’s the big deal? It was just a little water. Fine. Let’s fly over the place and I’ll peek out the window. Hey, those guys on the roof look like ants from up here! We’re not rebuilding it though. Let ‘em do it themselves.

Editor’s note: My ex-girlfriend volunteers every year with the rebuilding effort. Kudos.

Chapter XX: “Scandals”

Sure we might be “the most corrupt administration in American history.” Ya ain’t gonna impeach me though. You don’t want Dick in charge, do you? Well, do you? That’s what I thought. You can put the shotgun away, Mr. Vice President. Besides, there’s a reason we call them “underlings.” Don’t worry, boys. I have until sometime in January to pardon ya’ll. We’ll do in on Jan. 26.

Chapter XXI: Midnight rules changes

No, really. We’ve been meaning gut those environmental regulations all along. Oh, and we’ll go along with that global warming thing now.

Chapter XXII: Epilogue

It’s been a long eight years and the country is still standing. Well, maybe that bailout’ll fail and our goal will be complete.

Now it’s your turn. What did I miss? What would you add to W: The Memoir.

Next week: W: The Coloring Book